sleep to dream.

i was in a renovated barn somewhere in europe. i think it began in england. it was a beautiful barn with old beds and old floors. i was lost but i didn't mind. it was a peaceful, sort of musing type of wandering. i saw golden sunlight, that time of day when the sunlight isn't so blinding but more saturating.

the rays twinkled off of the buttons on his military uniform and danced in the notes that drifted from the violin he was playing. i had no idea he was such a talented musician. perhaps that's where i got my love for stringed instruments. he gave me his nose and his toes, why not?

that moment didn't last long. you know how dreams go...the barn morphed into a trailer on robin road and he was gone.

i was eventually driving a car through a sand pit. to my left, a wall of sand. to my right, a massive crevice. the sand was unsteady and i began to slide into the crevice. i could feel the panic paralyzing my body. there was nothing i could do. an 18-wheeler came directly for me and as soon as i thought it would smash me further into it, it suddenly drove down into the pit and nudged my car to safety. i jumped out of my car to thank this very talented truck driver. when i reached up and pulled open the passenger's side door, my father, dressed in stereotypical trucker garb, smiled down at me. all i could do was weep.

i don't know what he's doing, showing up in my dreams like this. it's almost like he's giving me a second chance to experience his love for me. but when i wake up, my heart feels heavy with sadness and i want nothing more than to go back to this dream world where my daddy plays music for me and saves me from impending doom. he was in the military but i don't know if he ever actually did play the violin and, as far as i know, he was never a truck driver. but his face is still the same in each one of these costumes. smiling, loving, and at peace.

time-travelling sniper cat.

i was watching the short film la jetee when i was struck with an idea for a potential story. (if you aren't familiar with this film, i suggest watching it on netflix. it's only 28 minutes and it's very awesome. just do it.)

i feel that the idea of time travel can be dramatized either pretty neat or horribly, horribly wrong. i'm not entirely sure which side of the teeter totter my idea is sitting on, but i'm hoping my innovative creativity happens to show up if i actually sit to write it. but here is the basic premise. it's not a subject i would normally write about so if it sounds a little hokey...well...just gimme a break.

it is the year 2059 and time travel is possible. a new type of sniper is here; the one who can go back in time. it's brilliant. they are never caught.

nick darkby has been following his next kill, seeing exactly where he will be and documenting precise times so that he can go in and out and get the job done quickly. time travel is hard on the human body, so it must be done perfectly the first time. there are no second chances.

as nick is preparing to go back in time, a simple documentation error sends him back to a time when his mark is a young boy. nick knows what kind of evil man the boy will grow to be but now must face him as an innocent boy. he wrestles with his conscience. he knows what he has to do.

nick returns to present time very ill. filled with regret and left with nearly no more life in him himself, he returns to a place where circumstances are drastically changed due to his successful assassination. however; nick cannot live with knowing that he just killed a young boy. does he risk his own life and the lives of many people whom the boy has eventually affected to go back even further and prevent murdering the boy? dun dun dun...

i'm thinking of creating my own version of la jetee based on my story here. chuck will play the sniper. (he is currently bathing mothership's forehead. i might have to recast.)

as a future hairstylist, i make a future promise to you.

i, jenni lee austin and future hairstylist extraordinaire, promise you that i will never send you out of my salon with your roots obviously a different color from your hair, i will never give you layers around your face without asking you first, and i will NEVER pressure you into saying that you like your new hairstyle when you really don't.

with that said...i'm "embracing" my new color. still hating the layers around my face. maybe i'll embrace them over time (after they've grown out.)

you are what you watch. (or to freedom, equality, and the rotten brain.)

i'm sure it's an obvious fact that you can tell a lot about a person by what they watch on netflix. i think i just went a little haywire with my watch instantly queue, but i think you'll be able to pinpoint exactly which stereotype i belong to. i present to you my watch instantly queue (in the order in which they are on the list.) and i don't believe i will need to provide any sort of explanation as to why they are on the list:

• russell brand in new york city
• the roast of bob saget
• the new adventures of pippi longstocking
• a nos amours
• ace ventura: pet detective
• cool world
• being john malkovich
• gangland: seasons 1,2,3 & 5
• bunny shorts: season 3
• the hills: seasons 1-3
• man vs. wild: seasons 1-4

if you guessed i am a facetious, quixotic, ethnically-oriented, nostalgic and slightly deviant gal with a killer sense of fashion, a short attention span and freakish survival skills...you would be dead on.

i'm hoping this queue will entertain me for at least the next year.

today has been a good day.

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this won't do.

"the front door flung open with unfamiliar ease, causing the doorknob to leave a lousy 'welcome home' hole in the smoke-stained drywall."

one down. one million to go.

abcdefg

one sentence is all i need. just one little line with a noun, a verb, and maybe an adjective, and my story will be standing alone on it's own wobbly feet. this is a first draft, for crying out loud. it's not even a masterpiece. i'm just sitting here with the edward scissorhands soundtrack playing and 50,000 words tumbling through my head. and none of them fit together to create one damn sentence.

someone please remind me why i love writing so much.

beauty school drop-in.

beginning september 7, i will be a future professional at paul mitchell the school here in columbia. you may be shocked at this seemingly random change of career paths. however, this isn't entirely too spur-of-the-moment for me. i feel as if it's been a long time coming.

in spite of my often haggard appearance, i've been captivated by beauty since i was a child. my mother always had the best makeup, perfume, and gravity defying hair (but that's the 80's for you.) though i couldn't sit still long enough to actually use these things on myself, they were always very familiar.

and so began my love for collecting various perfumes and hair products. even now, i have an entire window sill full of potions and elixirs to tame my almost animalistic frizz ball on my head. but my absolute favorite so far, in all of my years of collecting, are a few products from the aquage line. i've never been so satisfied and impressed that a haircare product actually delivers what it claims. superior color protection shampoo and conditioner (thermal protection and sunscreen!), thermal protection sprays that leave my hair unfathomably smooth, and a volumizing foam to give my hair super bouncy lift. and this whole time, i thought it was impossible to have good hair in columbia's brutal summer humidity. aquage for the win!

so besides my obvious love for hair products, i also have an insatiable interest in film and theatre. i'm sure i don't have to tell you of the limitless possibilities in the entertainment/beauty industry. but now i will actually be certified to do hair in the entertainment industry.

and the most important factor to me is the undeniable chance to build interesting relationships with people and potentially change lives. first of all, there is a certain level of immediate trust between hair dresser and client as soon as he or she sits in the chair. hair is a big deal to most people. one bad hair experience can leave a lasting impression (i still remember my awful haircut from the 7th grade and the teasing that ensued. thanks grandma.) but one good...no, great hair experience could encourage a person to accomplish things they may not have had the confidence to tackle.

for instance, my most recent hair appointment with betsy joy at five points salon lead me to confide in her my interest in beauty school. not only did she encourage me to go for it, but she gave me the most amazing cut and color i have ever had in my life. i felt like a million bucks just looking in the mirror and decided to give paul mitchell a shot. if i can not only encourage someone to pursue a dream but make them feel like they can reach their dream and beyond, sign me up. and that's what betsy joy did for me. and did i tip her well!

oh. and there are jobs to be had in the beauty industry. mega win.

so needless to say, i'm very excited about this new adventure. it's not the navy. it's not grad school. it's exactly what i want to do. it's creative. it's personal. it's everywhere. no telling where i'll be in a year from now!

do-over.

"don't quit. it's very easy to quit during the first 10 years. nobody cares whether you write or not, and it's very hard to write when nobody cares one way or the other. you can't get fired if you don't write, and most of the time you don't get rewarded if you do. but don't quit."

andre dubus

i can't tell you how many times i've quit. i've even quit quitting, only to quit quitting quitting. at this point, i've lost track of whether i'm a writer or not. so to be safe, i just write uncohesive sentences. that way i'm still writing, but not really.

but every damn time i walk into a bookstore, i find myself eying covers, pages, words, letters, periods, commas, exclamation points, and even semicolons with such covetousness. and before i know it, i'm in the writing section with 15 books on how to be inspired, or how to get published, or how to read in order to write towering in my hands. i don't need these books, i tell myself. i already know how to write, i just don't do it. i'm lazy. i'm scared. i'm not good enough. i use excess comma splices. i don't have anything to say.

screw it. i'm trying again.

gmhsalmtoy.

during a much needed house cleaning break, i dusted off the self-titled debut album from boy band favorites *nsync. i am overwhelmed by the incredible musical taste i had as a 14 year old. not to mention how dreamy they are.

can you believe they actually had a song called "giddy up" and that i never quite knew what it really meant? go listen to it and tell me i wasn't an innocent soul in '98.

we goin to da moon, y'all.

sorry chuckles. we're not actually going to the moon. we're going to montana. and you're not coming. they don't allow astrocats on the plane. they'll barely allow paul on the plane (mainly because they heard of his reputation for being ultra skeezy.)

headin out west in the morning, be back laterrr.

this is a PSA.

please don't say 10:00 am in the morning.

it's redundant and makes you look stupid.

this has been a public service announcement.

jenni eat ticket to jimmy eat world show.

it's happening. it's finally, finally happening. i'm going to see my favorite band for the first time in september.

that's right, jim. i am.

let the countdown begin.

55 days.

happy hump day.

even though this dumb blog says it's tuesday,

we hope you have a rockin wednesday.

i just got a new travel book!

and it is awesome. it explores every single country in the world. if i can't actually do it, i don't mind reading about it instead.

this book is also why i love writers so much. only the most skilled pen could bullshit its way through an entire page of trying to convince us that north korea is a "good place to visit." i'm slowly considering a vacation in pyongyang. and you should too! here's why:

best time to visit:

may or any time free of famine!

essential experiences:

hey you! go feel the north-south tension for yourself as you traverse the demilitarised zone at panmunjeom! maybe you're a lady who looooves to shop? then head on over to Department Store No 1 for the best deals and modern fashions! our prices beat Department Store No 2!

getting ready for your...um.."experience":

-read: anything! but don't expect to actually "experience" anything you've read about north k-town. mainly because anyone who actually would have done these things and lived to tell about it...can't. but, sure! read!

-listen: to the soothing sounds of ocean waves, seagulls soaring overhead...wait a minute. i'm thinking about myrtle beach. um...you should get used to the sound of the fifth largest army stomping around like they were raised in a barn.

-watch: 'Forever In Our Memory,' the smash hit 1999 film that deals with the starvation of up to three million north koreans in 1990. a must see for the whole family and the obese!

-eat: bibim naengmyeon. that's cold noodles. yum.

one word that sums up north korea:

juche (self-reliance.) just don't get a flat tire over there and you're good.

time honored trademarks of north korea (and this i'm copying word for word from the book, no snarky commentary by me):

the great leader (the late kim II sung) and his son, the dear leader (kim II jung, aka the great leader. confused? so are we.); cult of personality; the 38th parallel; cold war 21st century style; kidnapping; nuclear tests; rapprochement; border tension.

surprises (although nothing you do really throws us a curve ball anymore, n.k.) :

there's an internet cafe (just one); the current great leader has only uttered six words in public ("i really want a hot dog.") (actually, it was "glory to the people's heroic military." there i go again, trying to make him sound like a good conversationalist.); he doesn't really need to talk anyway, he owns 20,000 movies. baller!

well, that does it. i'm going to north korea.

i'll adventure any way i want.

some people post pictures of themselves doing really cool things.

i post pictures of my cats.

say hello to my little friend...

bobble!

i picked up two of these bad boys today at earth fare (the green one for paul, the pink one for myself.) it's a water bottle with a built in filter, so you get bottled water quality from the tap! not to mention it's made from recycled plastic, but the best part is: it's only $9.95. oh yeah. that's right. for the price of maybe 8 bottles of water you get 300 bottles of water. just change the filter every 2 months (which is around $6.95 i believe.)

so basically, this is a no-brainer.

• good for earth
• good for you
• super cute
• super cheap

ah...i'm in love with my bobble!

yar.

i feel like i've reached the point in this process of grief when i have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and move on. two and a half months is a long time to let your brain convince you to feel sorry for yourself and to mope around doing nothing.

i've learned a lot about myself through this. i've been a mover and a shaker, especially when things get hard. but this time, i've pretty much just stayed put and was quiet. paul has been incredible. he doesn't let me run. he lets me freak out and cry and act all weird, but he doesn't let me run. he helps me think rationally and clearly. he's such a good man.

i'm going to try to get a car and a job tomorrow. i ran into a high school friend in target the other day and she told me about career connections. they aren't a temp agency, they permanently place you in a job. so i'm gonna check them out tomorrow.

in other news, i came home today to a plague of bugs (does 3 qualify as a plague?) and no hot water. weird combo of events.

somebody shoot meh.

i don't generally think ahead and i really don't think ahead to worst case scenario. i came home after a 2 day 4th of july fiesta at paul's house when i realized i didn't take my trash out and it smelled super funny in my house. (general not thinking ahead.)

i went to take the trash out and when i opened the lid, an entire freaking colony of fruit flies experienced their very own independence day celebration. (worst case scenario.)

in addition to cleaning my house from top to bottom, i set up "fail-proof" fruit fly traps: aka apple cider vinegar glasses with paper cones.

screw fail-proof...fruit flies have evolved! they can get out of the funnel!

so, now what? i'm about to go mental because one little smartass fruit fly thinks it's cute to orbit my head. i know i don't stink. i showered. he's just trying to be funny. you know, impress all of his other little fruit fly friends.

well guess what. i'm gonna kill you all. i've got a VACUUM CLEANER, SUCKER.

eat that, fruit flies.

another bout of the incoherent ramblings.

maybe i'm far behind, which is usually the case when it comes to music/movies/technology/anything that needs electricity, but i've "found" this band that i cannot stop loving. not only does the name frightened rabbit make me want to cuddle them and feed them carrots of bravery, but their lyrics...oh the lyrics.

i recently acquired their album "the winter of mixed drinks" and it's been on repeat. i keep wanting to really hear the lyrics, and i start listening to them, but get so sidetracked by the music. i think mothership likes them too because he is curled up on the floor next to me with the most serene look on his face. i don't think chuck cares either way, but i've already deemed him "special needs."

mothership and i recommend this album. chuck wags his nub-tailthing at you.

this post is exactly why i failed my theory and criticism class in college. i am the worst critic. it is nearly impossible for me to provide an objective opinion of a work of art. maybe i'm wrong, but i don't believe there's a place for critics in art. i believe art is incredibly personal and emotional, no one can tell you how to respond to a particular work. now, of the critic's job to determine whether the art is "good" or not...again, i'm certainly upset that i missed the day that the president of good art was handing out this certification, but i believe that "good" is subjective.

so, with that said...i like frightened rabbit and maybe you will to. so give them a listen. if you don't like them, neat. but if you do, holler at meh.

yo mama.

after going all supermassive black hole on a 1/2 gallon of publix sweet tea and 3 pepperidge farm soft baked snickerdoodle cookies for dinner, i concluded that i haven't the slightest idea how to properly feed myself and that i should thank my mother for feeding me well-balanced, nutritional meals everyday of my life while growing up. cause if i was in charge, i'd be a morbidly obese midget right now.

just another sunday evening's musings

i skipped ahead in the book queue a little bit. lately we've been watching a lot of shows about the universe, so i wanted to read my black hole book. i've been so curious lately about physics, mainly astrophysics, so i've been reading and watching practically everything i can get my hands on.

i don't know much (quite the understatement.) i never took a physics class in high school or college. i took astronomy and chemistry in high school. so i feel like i'm missing out on the basic principles of physics. so i've decided to start from the beginning. but i tell you, everywhere i start...when explaining the most basic principles of physics...i'm always redirected to another starting point. i feel like i keep losing sight of the beginning because there isn't one. there is just no beginning because in order to understand something as simple as space or time, you have to redirect to another beginning...spacetime. and once you understand spacetime, you can understand space and time. maybe.

and i didn't even set out to learn about spacetime. i set out trying to figure out where the heck gravity comes from. i was redirected from gravity to go learn about special relativity. and now special relativity is talking about nuclear radiation and how that works. so now i have to go learn about that. when will i be finding out about gravity? i just want to know where it comes from!

it seems to me that physics is a huge undertaking. if you want to understand this world, you're gonna have to bust your tail. i don't know how i feel about all the math involved...because it's basically doing math with the alphabet. and that don't make no sense.

this has to be the most dorky thing i have ever written in my entire life.

steadier footing

in order to keep myself busy and relatively sober, i've created a queue list of books that need reading. they are currently aligned on a shelf in plain sight so i know what's in store for me and everytime i look at the books, i get so excited. so the queue is as follows:

eat, pray, love by elizabeth gilbert (currently reading)
eclipse by stephanie meyer (rereading before the movie)
the short second life of bree tanner by stephanie meyer (i feel like everyone's judging me now)
the glass castle by jeannette walls (rereading because i love it)
the reader by bernhard schlink
the girl with the dragon tattoo by stieg larsson
the memory keeper's daughter by kim edwards
death by black hole and other cosmic quandaries by neil degrasse tyson (my nerdy science read)

so looks like i have a good week ahead of me. i started this queue list because i love reading, but mainly to take some of the pressure off of paul. i feel like ever since my dad died, i've had to be with paul at all times. i haven't been working, i haven't been writing, i haven't really done anything. it's been hard being alone. not that i want to be social, because i definitely don't want to do that. i just don't want to be alone. paul makes me happy, even when he's just sitting there. and i really like being happy.

it's hard trying to find things to make you happy when you're so set on being unhappy. so i've decided to be happy and (re)find things that make me happy. so far, i've (re)found fundip, books, playing my bass, and sumatra. but for the most part, those are things i enjoy alone.

next step, things i enjoy doing with my dear friends who have been so so patient with me. and getting a job. that's also on the agenda. eventually.

nice graduation pictures.

i guess it's not that good to check up on former classmates on facebook.

you know...the ones who became doctors and costume designers and god knows what other profession that took more school and determination than working at...well...nowhere requires.

i'm happy for them, don't get me wrong. and i feel like had i done anything differently in my life then i wouldn't have met paul. and i'm more than overjoyed about meeting paul.

i live by myself. i decorated the entire apartment with everything that i wanted. but i didn't earn it. sometimes i look around and i loathe the place i live because it means that my dad is really gone. why did i spend his money on this? why didn't i just go to grad school and earn what i have. would he still be around if i did?

no. coronary artery disease still would have claimed him whether i attained my doctorate or not. that's just how it is. that's just how it is.

well. here's to the last swig of riesling in the bottle. i love you, dad.

not sure about today.

let's see...going on what feels like 2 hours of sleep. i'm probably going to throw both of my cats outside today.

reasons for committing this crime:
chuck: well. where to begin. he's ruined my blinds. his poop smells worse than a human's. and he wakes me up at the crack of dawn every morning. and it pisses me off because it's making me tired and paul doesn't want to stay around for stupid cat meowing either. thanks chuck. i rescue you and you turn out to be a big jerk.

mothership: it's really just wrong place, wrong time with poor mothership. after blasting chuck at point blank range with my heavy duty squirt bottle, i was kinda on edge. so i sat down at my computer to play some solitaire or get on fb or something. and homeboy decides he's just gonna bypass my lap and jump straight up on the computer desk. bad choice. so i shot him with the squirt bottle too.

not to mention, all of this is going on while poor paul is trying to sleep after a horrible night's sleep...and he has to work (all day, probably, since he's on call.)

this is nothing. this is really nothing to get upset about. especially nothing to blog about. but if there's one thing i learned in college, it's subtext.

i'm honestly just downright heartbroken. i need to know that my father knew that i loved him dearly and unconditionally. and, from our last communication before he died (which was a letter i sent to him a year prior to his death), it was probably unclear whether i still loved him or not. and that's my fault. i didn't communicate my point properly.

but i'm hoping against hope that there's an unwritten rule book in life. and on page 222, there is a rule written (or unwritten) that, no matter what is said or done, daughters will always know their fathers love them, and fathers will always know their daughters love them. and that in their last moments (together or apart), whoever draws their last breath, it is written that they will be thinking fondly about their unconditional love for one another and will save their last heartbeat just for them. and both souls, on earth and heaven, will rest peacefully knowing their love.

that's what i hope for. that's what i'm going to tell myself today. and hopefully i'll tell myself that tomorrow too.

maybe i won't throw the cats out just yet.

what a difference 5 days can make

5 days.

5 days after my post about trying to be more positive, my dad died.

i only had 5 days of being more positive.
on the 5th day, he died.
on the 6th day, i turned 26.

and here i am about a month and a half later, sitting alone in my apartment.
drinking what might be expired chardonnay that paul brought over.
(it wasn't expired when he brought it.)
and listening to sad music.
(margot & the nuclear so and so's.)

i'm an imposter.
i don't know the difference between good wine and bad wine.

but i'll tell you what i do know.

if you have something to say, then say it.
and that is what i know with my entire heart.

feast or famine.

if you think things are awesome, it's common to think

that every little thing is awesome.

if you think things suck,

pretty much everything sucks.

so i'm gonna try something.

first of all, i'll be honest...

a few things suck right now.

but not everything.

so before i ruin everything with a negative attitude

i've decided that i'm going to be super grateful for the

awesome things:

my boyfriend is amazing.

i think he might be tired of me telling him that.

but he is.

he is encouraging, patient, smart, caring,

helpful, a very talented musician, handsome,

makes an awesome sandwich,

and he has a great heart.

he makes me happy.

my mom is awesome.

she's really funny, she can cook like nobody's business,

she's loving, she works her butt off,

and she taught me everything i know.

i love my mom.

my friends are the best.

i enjoy my daily soda walks and

watching hours and hours of vampire-related tv.

i guess this was just a pep talk to myself.

i quit making plans.

:i shouldn't be an optimist:

but somehow, i just keep thinking

everything will work out perfectly.

i make plans...

get big ideas...

go on adventures...

and things always end differently

than i imagined.

:ok, that's not fair:

some things do end up pretty rad.

there are good things.

i can make a list right now.

:but as for today:

today i feel that making plans sucks.

so i quit.

when will minimum wage be $15?

:first things first:

happy birthday mom!

:down to business:

i've reached the conclusion

that my "big girl" marketing job

sucks.

walking 7 hours a day in the hot sun

knocking on the doors of rude people

(who obviously don't need a windshield)

and making zero monies

seriously sucks.

in my current situation

one would think i don't have the option

to be picky.

but my sanity was on the line.

working your butt off

and literally making no money doing it

will mess with your head.

so the search continues.

yesterday i applied at mellow mushroom.

today i apply at starbucks

and everywhere else in 5 pts.

in the spirit of a sunny day off...

droppin knowledge!

:though i'm sure you already knew:

as it turns out, yellowstone national park

has a volcano situation going on.

yeah. like you actually knew it is the

largest volcanic system in north america.

ok. well i didn't know.

but now i do.

apparently it's an active volcano...

it just hasn't done anything in 70,000 years.
i'm afraid it's probably going to erupt very soon.

alas!
i won't let that stop me.
i want to go.

wasn't obama supposed to help?

:so let's talk about my past 2 days:

maybe you can help me decide

if it's worth it.

(because maybe then i'll work it.)

:day one:

12 hour day at work.

bit on the ankle by a dog.

made $45 for the entire day.

:day two:

9 hour day at work.

someone called the cops on me.

was taken to the cayce city police station

on account of an expired business license.

no charges.

made $0 for the entire day.

:i had a bad attitude:

since they don't tolerate bad attitudes at the office

i faked sick and went home.

i think i'll be sick tomorrow too

so i can look for a new job.

:moral of this story:

no matter how desperate you are

do NOT do "direct marketing."

it is the worst job.

ever.

ever.

seriously.

ever.

i swear i just had a krispy kreme donut in my hand

:oh, hello:

life has certainly been avec adventures lately.

this will be my concise account of said adventures.

:i'll start with today:

listening to squarepusher on my first/only day off.

:arbeit macht frei:

training for management at JCB Marketing and Associates.

:cat on a hot tin roof got evicted:

homelessness is an undeniable way to find people

who still have the remnants

of a soul.

:blood-pumping organ:

paul is awesome.

my mom is awesome.

mothership is awesome.

:other breaking news in the world of pseudopodia:

carpools rule.