i just got a new travel book!

and it is awesome. it explores every single country in the world. if i can't actually do it, i don't mind reading about it instead.

this book is also why i love writers so much. only the most skilled pen could bullshit its way through an entire page of trying to convince us that north korea is a "good place to visit." i'm slowly considering a vacation in pyongyang. and you should too! here's why:

best time to visit:

may or any time free of famine!

essential experiences:

hey you! go feel the north-south tension for yourself as you traverse the demilitarised zone at panmunjeom! maybe you're a lady who looooves to shop? then head on over to Department Store No 1 for the best deals and modern fashions! our prices beat Department Store No 2!

getting ready for your...um.."experience":

-read: anything! but don't expect to actually "experience" anything you've read about north k-town. mainly because anyone who actually would have done these things and lived to tell about it...can't. but, sure! read!

-listen: to the soothing sounds of ocean waves, seagulls soaring overhead...wait a minute. i'm thinking about myrtle beach. um...you should get used to the sound of the fifth largest army stomping around like they were raised in a barn.

-watch: 'Forever In Our Memory,' the smash hit 1999 film that deals with the starvation of up to three million north koreans in 1990. a must see for the whole family and the obese!

-eat: bibim naengmyeon. that's cold noodles. yum.

one word that sums up north korea:

juche (self-reliance.) just don't get a flat tire over there and you're good.

time honored trademarks of north korea (and this i'm copying word for word from the book, no snarky commentary by me):

the great leader (the late kim II sung) and his son, the dear leader (kim II jung, aka the great leader. confused? so are we.); cult of personality; the 38th parallel; cold war 21st century style; kidnapping; nuclear tests; rapprochement; border tension.

surprises (although nothing you do really throws us a curve ball anymore, n.k.) :

there's an internet cafe (just one); the current great leader has only uttered six words in public ("i really want a hot dog.") (actually, it was "glory to the people's heroic military." there i go again, trying to make him sound like a good conversationalist.); he doesn't really need to talk anyway, he owns 20,000 movies. baller!

well, that does it. i'm going to north korea.