time to get up.

growing up, i thought i would always remain the same type of person: outgoing, silly, carefree, fun. it's rather interesting how life's events, ups and downs, and growing older molds you into a different version of yourself. sometimes it's really freaky, almost as if i don't even recognize myself anymore.

sometimes i'm on autopilot. my mouth is talking but i have no idea what is coming out. and sometimes i'm so completely uncomfortable around people that i make sarcastic comments that often sound harsh. suddenly i snap out of it and actually hear what i am saying and i get frustrated because that's not who i am or who i want to become.

i used to love meeting people. i had no problem getting to know my coworkers, my classmates, or the person sitting next to me in a coffee shop. but now...it's like i just want to avoid that uncomfortable small talk. because i know it will come up...spewing out like a red hot lava flow from a violent super volcano. it always comes up. bubbling from my stomach, expanding my ribcage, suffocating my heart, tightening my throat. and it sits on my tongue as my eyes dart back and forth, looking for an exit. one slip of the lips and it's out where it doesn't belong. and nobody knows what to do with it. "my dad died."

i've become quieter. only comfortable with a few people, the people who have truly known me for years. and now i face the first anniversary...two days from now will be my first time experiencing it. people tell me "it's not about the date...why would anyone be sad on just that one day? just don't think of it that way" news flash: it's not just that one day. it's every day. but the reason "that one day" is so significant is because the birds are chirping the way they were the day i found out. the air is warm and humid, just like the day i found out. the smell of fresh cut grass is in the air, just like the day i found out. on this one day, i'm taken back in a flash to the very moment i found out. the conditions are exactly the same and i'm still as heartbroken. and then i have to wake up the next day and get older.

i don't think my birthday will ever be the same. not that my birthday was ever a big production. i'm not really one for gifts or parties, they make me feel awkward because that's just not how i grew up. and i know that turning 27 may not seem like a big deal to everyone else...they may even argue that it's still so young. to them i say, it's the oldest i've ever been and i don't know how to do it just yet. and now getting older means getting closer to days like my wedding and (if my mindset of children changes) the day i give birth. i don't get to share any of those days with the man who should be walking me down the aisle and giving me advice on how to change a diaper.

i feel alone. my dad lived hundreds of miles away. we rarely spoke because when i tried to call, he wasn't home. he worked long days, a faithful worker. but the time i lived with him and the times i spoke with him were the best days of my life. i loved his laid back attitude and his goofy sense of humor. he taught me the importance of turning off the lights when i leave a room...something i now practice. he suffered through the most ridiculous wedgies, video taped all of my baseball games (from the long lake diner), refereed my soccer games (and cheered me on right by my side), made sure we had enough pop tarts and cereal (i went through it like crazy), cooked dinner for us. he was even the first person to teach me how to blow dry my hair so it would have volume. i got his nose, i got his toes, and a whole lot more from this man. i was daddy's girl through and through. it got difficult when i lived in south carolina because i wanted nothing more than to talk to him. i wanted to talk to him every day but soon it was only on holidays and birthdays and then it was once a year. i would hope that my phone would ring on christmas, but it didn't. i would hope for the phone to ring on my birthday, but it didn't. i held onto these hopes for years, only to find myself crying at the end of the day. i couldn't live like that.

so i wrote my father a note, explaining that i held on to these expectations for so long but it was unfair. we both had lives that required so much from us, so i released him from my expectations. i didn't want to cry anymore. i told him i loved him but it killed me knowing that he had my phone number and that we had contact on myspace for a short time but that it never lead to anything. so i released him.

one year ago on my birthday, april 27th, i was standing in his living room. the smell of his camel lights was still fresh in the air but he wasn't there. my grandmother sat in his chair and looked at me and asked in the most spiteful tone "are you still mad at your father now?" i wanted to scream at her. she knew nothing of my struggle without my father. i was never mad at him. ever. no matter what choices he made with his life. i loved him more than anyone in the world, that's why it hurt me so much that we never spoke, and that's why i had to write that letter. she knew nothing. and on the one day that i could bear to go to his house to clean anything out, i found the letter i had written to him in his nightstand by his bed, carefully opened with a letter opener.

i didn't realize i never put a return address on the envelope. why didn't i do that? it had been a year or so since i sent him that letter, so i opened it up to see why he kept it. i read these words that i had written and tried to convince myself that those weren't my words...but it was my handwriting. did he think i was mad at him? grandma sure thought so. did i use the wrong words? why didn't i put a return address on the envelope? why did i even send this to him?

i stood in his house, on my birthday, weeping. i really had lost him. every other time i cried on my birthday was nothing compared to this birthday. he was gone. every chance i had to tell him i loved him and that i wasn't mad at him was gone. the past and the future all came rushing to me...how happy i was when i lived with him. how happy i was when we did get a chance to talk on the phone...and how completely lost i would feel on my wedding day without him there. and how lost i would be when my first child would be born and baby wouldn't be held by those arms that once held me. i am thankful, though, that i got his nose. maybe baby will have a little glimpse of what it was like to be tucked into bed at night and get eskimo kisses while performing mine and dad's nightly ritual: "night night, sweet dreams, see you in the morning! work! school! yay!"

when i was growing up, i never knew that i would be changed so much by any one event. and here i am, 2 days before the one year anniversary of his death, talking to the internet instead of seeking solace in the beating heart of a friend. maybe next year.

i'm a mover and also a shaker. but more of a mover.

i thought the hard part about moving in with paul would be finding the apartment. well, now that that's done...i've realized that wasn't even the beginning!

when you live with girls all of your life, "nesting" is just a normal part of the process. but now i have to take into account that maybe this man that i'm living with doesn't want these really cute floral curtains hanging up in his man room. and i have to share a closet now?? i could barely contain all of my clothes with my own closet...and now i have to share? oh boy. so the past few days have been filled with laundry and sorting out what i want to keep, what can be packed away, and what goes to donation land. ideally i'd like to have a yard sale but paul is convinced that i don't have enough stuff for my own sale...but now that i'm going through everything and packing, i have a lot. and i have no idea what to do with this dang christmas tree that is STILL up in my house.

thankfully dehrae is coming down this weekend. that girl has got it together and she offered to help me. i love my friends! now to find boxes...

damaged hair 101.

as many of you know, i started cosmetology school in september and ever since then, i have been learning so much about hair...thanks to trial and error and my poor, yet resilient, hair. although sometimes i get kinda down about not having my long curls anymore, i'm very thankful to have had this experience for a few reasons. of course it's always good to learn how hair works while in school but my main lesson was not in how i can help myself but how i can help other people who are going through their own hair crisis.

this is for you out there with over-processed hair that is breaking off, rubbery, and just doesn't feel quite like hair but more like mush. i was there. so let me tell you how i got my hair back...

step 1: get a haircut. i know you probably don't want to do that, but it's for the best. believe me, i know it's hard. i went from medium length hair to my very first pixie. but it's important to get the hair that is beyond repair off.

step 2: get a keratin treatment. Paul Mitchell signature salons and schools offer the Awapuhi Wild Ginger Keratriplex treatment. it will reduce the breakage from over processing and restore some moisture back into your dried out mane.

step 3: change your shampoo regimen. you won't need to wash your hair as often as you regularly do. your hair needs natural oils to help moisturize and repair your hair. when i lightened my hair, i had to wash my hair once a week...and that was only because of strict social hygiene standards. if it was up to me, i would wash it once every two weeks because of how damaged it was.

step 4: change your shampoo and conditioner. if your hair is in desperate need of help, it's worth spending a few extra dollars to get it the help it needs. and drugstore/wal-mart/target "professional" products are not guaranteed. they could be watered down or expired. find a salon or school that sells the following paul mitchell products:

Super Strong Daily Shampoo: this shampoo is gentle on damaged hair and infuses it with the proteins it needs to rebuild.

Hair Repair Treatment and Super Charged Moisturizer: after you gently shampoo, mix these two together and slather it onto your hair. i recommend putting on a shower cap to let the heat from your head and from the shower help it to penetrate deep into your hair. you can leave it on for 5 minutes or for a few hours as you do work around the house.

step 5: change your styling regimen. if you normally bombarded your hair with heat every day, that won't fly with damaged hair. after towel drying your hair, spray on Super Strong Liquid Treatment. for ladies with short hair, i recommend using the Awapuhi Wild Ginger Styling Treatment Oil emulsified with ReWorks on wet hair and letting it air dry. the oil will help moisturize while the ReWorks helps style.

once you have gone through steps 3 through 5 and your hair starts feeling more like hair, use Seal and Shine after towel drying your hair and before you apply ANY heat from a blow dryer. it helps condition and it protects your hair from the heat. and for added moisture during the day, spray on Awapuhi Moisture Mist. it will reactivate styling products in your hair and it's good for your skin, too!

in order to keep your hair healthy looking, be sure to keep getting regular trims from your stylist and do NOT chemically process your hair until your stylist says it is in better condition. major breakage will occur if you process it even more!

i know this is starting to look like a major advertisement for Paul Mitchell products. but these steps are what i have personally done and i know that it will work. for anyone in columbia, check out Paul Mitchell the school on gervais street behind wet willies and jillians.

i hope this helps you! feel free to leave a comment with any questions!

bock bock bicah.

on account of the fact that i haven't really had anything to say lately (and also the fact that i think -4 people read this thing...) i've been kinda slack about updating. i reckon i could try to come up with something and make it sound interesting. let's see...

item #1:  i've been on a break from school for the past 2 weeks. nothing too serious, just kinda worn out from going to school 5 days a week, 7 hours a day for the past 6 months. but of course all i can think about while i'm on my break is hair. i can't wait to graduate and work in a salon.

item #2:  paul and i are moving in together and our leases are up in may so that means major apartment hunting time! the only problem is my lease is up on may 13...and that's right in the middle of a trip to ohio that we have planned. so i must find an apartment, pack up my apartment and move it all out before i even go on this trip. how am i supposed to pack for ohio with everything in boxes? i haven't figured that out yet.

item #3:  tomorrow is my first professional massage and i am PUMPED! but i am nervous about falling asleep and drooling all over the place. i also tend to get a little gassy during extreme relaxation. pray for me. (i'm just kidding.)

item #4:  i'm taking a class at school to be certified to do a certain type of hair extensions. since my birthday is coming up soon, if you feel compelled to give me a gift, please consider contributing financially to my certification. even a small contribution will help because the class is $279.

item #5:  i'm currently getting scared of how hot it's gonna be soon. i sweated today. wait. what's the past tense of sweat. swat? forget it. not important.

i think that's it...besides all of the other things i think about during the day like bill murray and paying taxes and giving mothership a buzz cut and what it's like in montana right now. pretty normal day.