Just getting my thoughts out.

I don't really know how to get started on what I want to write so I'm just going to come out and say it...I recently found out that I have Asperger's. It's weird to me not because I have a "syndrome." It's weird only because there's a special word for the way I think and behave and react.

I haven't told many people, I don't really think it's necessary. And the only reason I have told a few people is because something weird happens when I get nervous around people and I say the opposite of what I want to say...and so "I have Aspergers" tumbles out of my lips occasionally. 

And I get weird looks. Well, the most common reaction I've gotten so far is "Really? I never would have guessed that about you." I guess that over the past 28 years, I've learned a few things about interacting with people so it's relatively easy to hide. But what I really want to say is "You don't really know me so you have no idea what I'm really like!" This is the problem I have. Not many people know me. They may have seen the side of me that acts silly, goofs off and tries to have fun...but that's typically my nervous way of trying to avoid any sort of serious socializing. It's weird. I know.

I have severe social anxiety. And I am a hair stylist. It's like I'm living a nightmare every day. It's been that way with a lot of jobs, mainly because I've always been in the service industry one way or another. The last job I had was working at the front desk of a cosmetology school. I had to greet and assist probably hundreds of people every day (another skill I lack is estimating space and numbers...so pardon me if I'm greatly exaggerating. But that's what it felt like!) The weird part was that it wasn't bad greeting people and ringing them up, mainly because I had a scripted greeting that I created for myself and when ringing people up I just got to stare at the computer screen. The absolute worst part about that job was the way way way overboard sensory stimulation. Phones ringing off the hook, the music absolutely blaring, people talking to me even though I was clearly busy...so much noise. I think that was the hardest part of that job. The noise.

Well, now the noise is eliminated at my salon. It's peaceful-ish. It's just that now, I'm the one responsible for the noise. I have to talk, one on one, to someone. I have to find out very personal details about their hair care, while looking them in the eye, no script...stumbling...stuttering...and then I have to color/cut their hair while talking (ack! I can't do both! Let me work in silence!) AND THEN...I have to try and figure out if they like what I've done. This is a lot for me.

I don't want to focus on this...all of the "downsides" to this syndrome. I want to find the positive ways I can use this and I want to succeed professionally (and maybe socially, I haven't decided.) Growing up, I typically excelled in any academic field that I put my mind to, math being the exception. I never liked math. I was decent at it but I just didn't like it. I taught myself how to play the upright bass. I figured out how to play soccer at the collegiate level without playing competitively before. I learned German pretty easily. I love problem solving and figuring things out. How can I use this to succeed professionally and not weird out my coworkers?

My special brand of weirdness also comes with a crippling fear of bureaucracy. I have a really really hard time talking to the "people in charge." Not that I have authority issues, there's just something about the higher ups that just make me want to tuck my tail between my legs and go hide in a corner, even if I did nothing wrong. Pretty much getting anything done that requires talking to people at a business is terrifying. 

...............................................

the most valuable lesson i ever learned.

i didn't always want to be in the beauty industry. i grew up with very little, so beauty seemed like a fairy tale. but here i am at 27 years old laying smack dab in the middle of the industry. i take my state board exam to be a cosmetologist in 4 days and i work at the cosmetology school that i attended. i'm surrounded by it and, as happy as i am in the industry, i never quite felt like i truly belonged here. as if i were submersed in water but came out completely dry, untouched. still, it makes me happy.

a girl who currently goes to school there was also a classmate of mine. we weren't terribly close, but when we did hang out it was always a lot of fun. the first thing that drew me to here was the confidence she exuded. it was uncanny, unlike anything i've seen. i always admired her fashion, her makeup choices and her hair. everything seemed to compliment her.

and so time went by and i graduated and became an employee. we spoke even less though we still remained friendly. but one day she was walking in to school and i said to her "i really like your dress, you always look so precious!" and she turned to me and, before she even thanked me for the compliment, she told me the most valuable lesson i could have learned: "just wear what you want, that's what i do."

though i've heard that phrase many times, this was like the first time i've ever heard it. "just wear what you want!" i finally get it! she was so happy and confident because she was wearing what she wanted to. she wasn't trying to squeeze herself into something she didn't feel amazing in. in that moment, my entire wardrobe flashed before my eyes: all of the clothes that i bought because they were on sale or the clothes that i considered functional at best...i didn't own anything that made me feel beautiful. i hadn't been making any effort to find the pieces that spoke to me and fit my budget.

and so i learned that if i'm doing anything for any reason other than 'it really makes me happy,' then i shouldn't be doing it. life is too short to be anything but beautiful and confident and truly alive. and that is the lesson i learned from alex k-h.

the kitchen beautician

maybe you've heard the phrase or maybe you've known a kitchen beautician. these are the ladies and gentlemen who create the most fashionable looks of the decade...right from their kitchen. wielding no license but PLENTY of practice with perm rods, they keep friends, churches, and entire neighborhoods lookin fresh. but the kitchen beautician is all about the relationships. it's about keeping up with their friends and keeping the neighborhood close.

these are the ideas that inspired my future (fingers crossed) salon idea. though i will be licensed (which will probably work out for the best) the atmosphere will be that of community. and it will be called The Kitchen Beautician.

my decor idea is inspired by the 50's era kitchen. i chose the 50's because it's nostalgic (even if you weren't alive in the 50's), recognizable, and, of course, the women always looked fabulous in the 50's!

and there's so many fun ways to take pieces of the 50's and merge them with modern pieces to create an awesome vintage salon! not to mention the great colors of the 50's!

and to top it off: serve cupcakes and coffee! yum!

check out this salon's website, it's pretty much exactly what i want...it just needs the jenni twist!

give me the positive people.

i want to become a better person. i want to be a kind, loving, giving and selfless person. i want to work in a salon surrounded by team players, by people who don't talk about each other behind their backs but rather encourage, teach, and are kind to everyone they work with. i want to work in a salon surrounded by humans who might will mess up a time or two but are given a second chance...and who learn from each time they mess up.

maybe this is an idealistic dream but it's what i strive for. and i can't wait.

with these planted feet, i wonder.

i look at pictures of myself when i was 22 and think "things have changed. a lot." i miss traveling. i need to see something and have a sense of wonder soon. i've realized that traveling has been a huge part of my life since i was born and when i don't do it i feel unsteady and restless. i think that's happening.

picture me this...

one of my favorite things to do is use stumbleupon.com and just check out all the really cool pictures that are out there in the world. i like to save them and go through them every now and then in order to remind myself that cool things are happening in the world. here are a few that i've saved up.

so, i've been thinking about things.

i realize i have a lot of questions about science but i don't have anyone to answer them. if any of my 5 blog followers happens to be a scientist, please answer the following questions (in complete sentences):

1. where do ideas come from? i swear, one minute i can be sitting there thinking about absolutely nothing and then all of the sudden BAM! i have the most awesome thought. ever. where did that come from?!

2. how do cells know what to do? like...you got your lip cells and you got your mustache area face cells (i know there's a more scholarly way to say that.)  how do the lip cells know when to stop being lip cells and start being mustache area face cells where the lip ends? (scientist, i realize this may be a confusing question but if you and i are going to be friends, you're gonna have to let me explain a little bit more in real life. because i swear i know what i mean.)

ok, those are all the questions for now. i'll write down all of the other ones i have and post them later.

thank you, scientist!

<3 jenni